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When your child worries about school: a calm after-school reset

By Gabriella Zubiate, bilingual counselor intern

Some children love school. Others carry a knot in their stomach from Sunday night until Friday afternoon. If your child complains of stomachaches on school days, cries at drop-off, or comes home quiet and tired, you are not alone. School worry is one of the things parents ask me about most. Here is what helps, step by step.

Stomachaches on school days

Worry often shows up in the body first. A child may not have the words for "I feel nervous," but their stomach knows. The ache is real. It is not pretend. A good first step is a visit to the pediatrician to rule out anything physical. If the doctor finds nothing, and the ache comes mostly on school mornings and fades on weekends and holidays, worry is a likely cause.

You can say: "I believe your tummy hurts. Sometimes our body feels worry before our mind does. Let's figure it out together." That sentence does two things. It tells your child you take the pain seriously, and it gives the feeling a name they can use next time.

A calm morning handoff

Mornings set the tone for the whole day. A few small things make a big difference:

• Get ready the night before: clothes, backpack, lunch. Fewer decisions in the morning means fewer chances for tears.
• Keep the goodbye short and warm. A long goodbye tells the child there is something to fear. One hug, one phrase, and go.
• Use the same phrase every day: "I love you, you can do this, I will see you at three." Children lean on routines when they feel shaky.
• Do not sneak away. It feels easier in the moment, but it teaches the child to keep watching you instead of settling in.
• Hand them to a person, not a door. A teacher or a friend who greets them by name makes the first minute easier.

If the tears come anyway, remember that most children settle within a few minutes after the parent leaves. You can ask the teacher to send you a quick message if it lasts longer than that. Knowing the plan helps you stay calm, and your calm is what your child borrows.

The 10-minute after-school reset

After school, children are tired. Their brain has been working all day, following rules and holding feelings in. If we ask "How was school?" at the car door, we usually get "fine." Try a reset instead.

• First, a snack. Hungry children cannot talk about feelings. Water and something simple.
• Then, quiet. Ten minutes with no questions, no homework and, if you can, no screens. A walk to the mailbox, drawing, playing with the dog, lying on the couch next to you.
• Then, talk. Once their body is calm, the words come on their own. Sit nearby and let them lead.

This small routine tells your child: home is where I can rest. Over time it also makes the morning easier, because they know the day ends in a soft place.

Questions that open the door

"How was school?" is too big. Try smaller questions:

• What was the best part of your day? What was the hardest part?
• Who did you sit with at lunch?
• Did anything make you laugh today?
• Was there a moment when your tummy felt tight? What was happening right then?
• If you could change one thing about tomorrow, what would it be?

Listen more than you fix. If your child says "I don't know," that is fine too. Sometimes they tell you later, in the car or at bedtime, when they feel safe. On the quiet days you can draw together instead of talking; the Calm Kids Kit has a feelings page and a worry monster made for exactly that.

Working with the teacher

The teacher sees a part of your child's day that you never see. Send a short, kind note: "My child has been worried about school. Have you noticed anything? Could we talk for ten minutes this week?" Ask about friendships, the lunchroom, the bathroom, one class that feels hard, or a change in the routine.

Together you can agree on small supports: a morning check-in with the school counselor, a buddy for recess, a quiet signal your child can use when they need a break. Most teachers want to help and are relieved when a parent reaches out early instead of waiting for the problem to grow.

When to get help

Some school worry is normal, especially after a break, a move or a new teacher. Ask for more help when:

• Your child has refused or missed school for more than a week because of worry.
• The stomachaches, tears or sleep trouble are getting worse instead of better.
• Your child avoids friends, activities or places they used to enjoy.
• You see big changes in eating, mood or behavior.
• Your child talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here. Call or text 988 right away, or call 911 if they are in danger right now.

Start with the pediatrician and the school counselor. The local help page lists counselors and family services near Waxhaw that can see your family soon. If you want more ideas for everyday worry, I wrote about six simple steps to help a child with worry.

A last thought

Your child does not need you to take the worry away. They need you to be calm beside them while they learn that they can handle it. A snack, ten quiet minutes and one good question a day go further than you think.

Calm Kids Kit

Coloring pages, Worry Monster, Brave Bear, a brave steps planner, and 18 calm-down cards. For kids about 4 to 10, with a page for parents.

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This article is for education only. It is not therapy and does not replace care from a licensed professional. In a crisis, call or text 988 (Spanish: press 2, or text AYUDA).